Bar Jokes
by sophie1670
Summary: Raylan Givens and Tony Stark walk into a bar... A little humor and drunken hero stories.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, a little crackfic I'm writing as I go so updates will be staggered... Away we go.

"Jesus, Art," Raylan Givens moaned, dropping himself to the couch in his boss's office.  
"Stop whining and deliver the damn thing, Raylan."  
"What the hell is he even doing in Kentucky? He's frickin' Ironman. We are -quite literally- flyover country to him."  
Art looked disdainfully at his good friend and, least favorite, deputy, "Some people actually think Kentucky has more to offer than shitkicker on shitkicker crime. Like the races, which is why Stark's in Louisville. Now, get over it and get out of my office. I won't tell you which I'd like to see first." Art slipped his glasses back on and returned to his file at hand.  
Unfortunately, Raylan would not be deterred so easily, "Y'know I didn't lose Eve Munro by myself. You're pissed at Tim, too. Hell, you weren't exactly approving of Rachel's stunt in that diner. Send her."  
Sniffing disdainfully, Art raised his eyes, "When it's your office, you can send whomever you want. But it's my office now, and I'm sending you. Git!"

Delivering a Congressional subpoena to Tony Stark was probably akin to delivering divorce papers to an actor, Raylan decided on the drive up. It was passing a paper to someone who didn't give a damn who'd only pass it to some expensive shyster. He figured if he could find the shyster he might save himself a step, too. But those weren't his instructions. Damn it.

Tony Stark, having found himself bored by horses running in circles -sorry; galloping in circles- had opted to move his party to the prestigious Handelman Lounge. And finding himself bored by that party he'd slunk away to the less-prestigious-to-the-point-of-being-seedy bar known as Wrangle's Tavern. On his third whiskey, the cowboy approached. "Mr. Stark?"  
"Never heard of him."  
"Mr. Tony Stark? Also known as the superhero, Ironman, also somewhat responsible for that mess in New York. Buddies with a bunch of other superheroes. That Tony Stark? You've never heard of him?"  
"Nope. Begone," Tony motioned for his fourth.  
Raylan stuck up a finger, indicating one for himself, "Now, I can commiserate with wanting to drink alone. Prefer it myself. But, and here's the rub, I need to put these papers in Mr. Stark's hands. Or the hands of someone who represents him." Raylan downed his shot, "Now, would you like to rethink your answer?"  
Tony did rethink his answer. He thought the cowboy was a bit of an ass. A tired ass trying to do his job, but the commiseration got on his nerves. "That's kind of you, Marshal. You are a Marshal, right? Cause the last time I was served with a subpoena, she was a Marshal, so it would make sense." Tony knocked his fourth back before continuing, "I am not in the mood to rethink my answer, ok. I am in the mood to drink alone. A desire you can 'commiserate' with," he sneered. "Bring them back tomorrow. I won't take them then."  
The cowboy rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before motioning for another shot. "Mr. Stark, if you just tell me where your damn lawyer is. I'll give it to them."  
Tony thought of Happy, off with Pepper being useful, and cringed. "What's with the hat?"  
"Tried it on. It fit," the cowboy finished his drink and asked for the bottle. Third in his hand, he said, "Raylan Givens, Mr. Stark. What's her name?"  
Tony sighed, "Pepper, Mr. Givens. What's her name?"  
"Which one?"

Raylan caught up to Tony's blood alcohol quickly and discussion of women gave way to discussion of shit pulled on women, which gave way to discussion of shit pulled in general.  
They were pretty toe to toe until Tony got his suit, but Raylan played the Tommy Bucks card and Tony had to shake his hand, giggling, "Shit, I saw that on TV."  
Raylan gave a little bow, "Seen you on TV, too."  
"How'd that end? With the cartel? I mean you're not dodging hit men and those guys are hardly forgiving. How'd it end?"  
"Boss threatened to kill him is anything happened to me."  
"Pussy."  
"Now, wait a second," Raylan pointed at the Tony closest to him, "There was a big gunfight, or two, and I told Gio when I carried in his unconscious niece that I was giving him a choice. Dan knew what that choice was gonna be from over the wires we had in the house so he stopped me. No pussy shit."  
Tony snorted and they both laughed at the noise. "You, Raylan," Tony returned to pointed finger with his own, "are nothing special. I was kidnapped by terrorists."  
"I grew up in Harlan County."  
"I've saved the world."  
"With help."  
"Not always. I saved the village of Gulmira by myself."  
"I saved Harlan County from the Bennett family."  
"Were they like the Corleone's?"  
They both bust out laughing. Hitting the counter in glee, Raylan said, "On the hillbilly side." And they were both gasping for breath, cackling.

Review and post ideas if you'd like. Always welcome ;)


	2. Chapter 2

I should probably mention I own nothing and this is done with the horribly corrupting influence of SassyJ

"So, you knock her up, get shot heroically protecting a little girl and she leaves you for it? Wow. Pepper is only wildly conflicted about my being a superhero."  
Raylan replied, "Lucky. My office is about as bad as my ex. Between Art and Rachel, and Tim! Tim's the worst."  
"Luck? Let me tell you, man. It is not easy to win the heart of a woman who knows everything about you... I couldn't function without her," Tony scowled. "Women cheat. They know we can't do a damn thing without them, so they lead us around by our noses, swatting us with newspapers-"Tony broke off.  
And stayed off.  
"You were saying something about newspapers," Raylan prompted, trying to get Tony's attention.  
"Yeah. The mental image was a little, um- Bartender, new bottle for me and my friend here."  
"Y'know, I really do need to give you this subpoena."  
"I don't like being handed things."  
"Except drinks."  
"Well, everybody likes being handed a drink," Tony said like Raylan was an idiot.  
"True."  
They nursed on their fresh bourbons for a minute or two before Tony said, "My mentor hired a terrorist cell to kill me once."  
"My own father tried to sell me out to a Miami cartel AND killed a KSP trooper thinking it was me."  
"My father's old business partner's son built drones and a suit to take me out."  
"I disarmed a man literally once."  
Tony turned to him at that one, "Really!? Hm," he chortled. "Disarmed... Punny stuff."  
Raylan nodded a few too many times. "And let me tell you about Harlan Roulette..."  
More than half in the bag, Raylan and Tony had out drunk the rest of the customers by midnight. The bartender, having seen Raylan's piece and recognizing Tony Stark when he saw him, was cleaning up the bar around them.  
By 2, the chairs were on the tables and the floor swept. All the glasses but Tony and Raylan's were in the dishwasher and the neon lights were off. "You boys gonna be outta here sometime today? I got to close up."  
"Who says?" Tony demanded to Raylan's doubling over.  
"The law," the bartender replied grimly.  
Tony looked amazed, "Really? They make you close. That's oppression!"  
Raylan just continued laughing from his prone position, "You kidding? My people? We're so backward we put distilleries in dry counties."  
"Pretty fine distilleries though..."Tony pointed out. "Another round, my friend!"  
"I have to close. I'll call you a cab, ok?"  
Tony Stark was not kicked out of bars at closing. Tony Stark bought bars and changed their hours to suit him. "Bullshit!"  
"Now, Tony, the man's just doin' his job," Raylan said, trying to calm him down.  
"It's bullshit, man." Tony pointed at the guy, "You are a bartender, right? This is a bar, right? Give me my damn drink!"  
"Keep it up, I'll call the cops."  
"Ok, compromise. One last drink," Raylan said, "and we'll leave. Ok, Tony?"  
Tony growled.  
"It's after two. I can't serve him."  
"Look, man, I'm a U.S. Marshal. I'm telling you to sell this man a drink."  
"It's after two. I can't," the bartender pulled the phone, "Look, I'm calling a cab, alright."  
"I can BUY a cab if I want one. I want another drink," Tony stated baldly to Raylan's giggles.

"Look, man, you keep this up. I'm calling the cops. I don't care if your buddy is a badge."

"My buddy, as you so in-eloquenly put it, is a United States Marshal. He is a federal officer and you will respect his authority and serve me a drink!" Tony said smugly. "Now, pour."

"Tony," Raylan tried to step in, "Mr. Bartender-whatever-your-name-is, there is no need for cops. Just give the man a traveler and we'll be on our way."

"Give both of us a traveler," Tony corrected.

"Even better," Raylan swayed on his stool turning his head between them. "Whaddaya say?"

The bartender started dialing the phone.

"Ok, fine," Tony decided, rising, swaying, and grabbing the bar for balance. "I'm a grown man. I can pour my own."

"You come behind this bar, you're gonna need your suit, Iron Man," the bartender said, still holding the phone, as Tony staggered around the bar.

"Bring it on, bottle boy!"

"Do we need violence here? It's two ounces," Raylan got up to get between them, too quickly, "That was a shitty idea."

Raylan was doubled over on his second heave before the bartender realized what had happened or Tony could laugh and say, "Man, your _boots_!" before going around the bar again, "It's just something to help him rinse out his mouth…"

The bartender only rolled his eyes and reached for the phone again.

The Louisville police arrived in about fifteen minutes. Eight minutes longer than the last time because the bartender made the mistake of mentioning who they'd be picking up. Tony was still demanding his drink and Raylan added, "I could use one too, y'know to help the oncoming hangover."

Tony was distracted enough to say, "You still get hangovers? C'mon, where's the work ethic? Debauchery isn't something you just _fall_ into."

"Mr. Stark," they were interrupted by an officer, "I'm going to need you to blow into this, please."


	3. Chapter 3

Raylan and Tony slept it off in the drunk tank with three other upstanding citizens. They had no choice because Pepper was so upset she refused to let Happy bail him out. Raylan's one call was wasted on Tim, who chuckled despite the sleep deprivation and said, "No, seriously, why are you calling?"  
"I've been arrested. In Louisville. With Tony Stark."  
"Stop fuckin' with me, Raylan. You woke me up to try to tell me that... No, wait, it's Raylan Givens. Nothing's impossible... What precinct? ... I'll be right there."  
Tim stared off in the distance for a moment after hanging up. Then he called Rachel, "You'll never guess the call I just got..."

By ten o'clock, Tony and Raylan were alone in their cell. Raylan was laying with his arm over his face and Tony was leading a rather one-sided discussion on the merits of different operating systems.  
A uniformed officer led Tim and Rachel to the cell and walked away snickering as they exchanged glances when Tony said, "Let me guess. Windows people."  
"We're U.S. Marshals, Brooks and Gutterson, Mr. Stark," Tim drawled.  
"The infamous Rachel and Tim. Lovelier than even described." Tony let his eyes run over both of them before he winked at Rachel and turned faux-serious, sticking his hands between the bars for Tim to shake, "Put 'er there, soldier."  
Tim did so hesitantly, glancing at Raylan, who'd uncovered his eyes and was watching in some kind of perverse horror. Tony's thumb stroked the back of Tim's hand, then Tony slipped his other hand through to feel Tim's bicep, flirting at him, "Wow, what do you bench? 2-225?"  
Tim blinked, "Can I have my arm back, please?"  
"Fine."  
Rachel failed to stifle a snicker earning her another wink.  
"Can you tell them to let us out?" Raylan croaked, still discomfited by the image of Tony Stark flirting with Tim.  
"Well, we could..." Tim said, enjoying a captive audience now that Tony wasn't holding his hand.  
"But," Rachel leveled her gaze at Tony, "that subpoena still has to be delivered."  
"So, we may just leave you here to do that, Raylan," Tim smirked.  
Raylan glared.  
Tim's smirk grew into a smile.  
Tony watched, devious thoughts playing. "Now, Deputy Gutterson," Tony kept an eye on Raylan's face as he continued his earlier flirtation.  
Tim stilled, watchful, with a little "WTF" expression thrown in for good measure.  
Tony continued as Rachel grinned, "I've been locked up in this tiny room with Raylan all night. You can imagine how that was-"  
"Tony-"Raylan tried to cut him off.  
Tim shot him a curious look, "Please, tell me about Mr. Stark. What doesn't he want us to know?"


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry, it's so short

Tim shot him a curious look, "Please, tell me about it Mr. Stark. What doesn't he want us to know?"  
Tony and Rachel exchanged a glance, "Oh, nothing much. We just had a few drinks, nothing much happened." Tony stage-winked at Raylan.  
Tim's eyebrows shot up. "If you could define, 'nothing much,' for us, Mr. Stark..."  
Raylan moaned and looked at his boots. A uniform had rinsed them but he really didn't want to think about them with his head pounding like a bad concert.  
"Well, this is an intriguing turn of events. Hello, Raylan."  
Rachel turned and her eyebrows shot up. Tim turned and his eyes narrowed. Tony glanced over and felt to make sure his wallet was where he left it. Raylan just said, "Hello, Boyd. Making friends in new jurisdictions today?"  
"There was terrible misunderstanding involving a tail light. They seem to be rather strict about traffic laws up here, Raylan. How's your head?" Boyd was being escorted by a very young officer into the next cell. The door clanked behind him and Boyd surveyed the cell next door.  
Tony's eyes flicked back and forth before meeting Rachel's. With a slight shake of her head, she tried to caution him to stay out of it."  
But Tony Stark is not a cautious man. "Hi, I heard about them." He gestured vaguely to Rachel and a near-snickering Tim, "But who are you?"  
"Why, Raylan, am I not worthy of mentioning when you're out drinking with the great Tony Stark?"  
Tony beamed at the Marshals, "Aww, he's heard of me."  
"Well, enough to know not to offer to shake your hand, Mr. Stark," Boyd drawled.  
Raylan stood, rethought that terrible decision, and leaned against the wall, "Boyd, why are you up in Louisville? I thought Duffy came to you when he wanted something and you went to Frankfort when you wanted something. And you always want something, don't you?"  
Boyd grinned without his eyes, "Well, I'm just a businessman in a bad economy. It's hard to get what I need, much less what I want."  
Tony watched the byplay with a cocked head. "What kind of 'businessman'?" he asked Boyd with wide-eyed faux innocence.

A/N It's really HARD to write Boyd Crowder. I have a whole new respect for everyone who does it and Raylan for putting up with him. _My Lord,_ but he's difficult.

Please keep reviewing, it keeps me going. And I'll bring Art in to meet Tony at some point…

Soph


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